Those Nights

'I remember when We used to laugh About nothing at all, It was better than going mad. From trying to solve all the problems we're going through, Forget 'em all. Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall. Together we faced it all. Remember when we'd;
[Chorus:]
Stay up late and we'd talk all night, In a dark room lit by the TV light, Through all the hard times in my life, Those nights kept me alive'

These lyrics are by Skillet – Those nights. Coincidently, this is a song that I sang when I was in year 10 (15 years old) on stage in front of my friends and family along with a school band for my Music Diploma. I could relate to it then and I can relate to it now.  I’ve not listened to this song since I performed it, until tonight. And it’s started to make me think back to the nights that have really kept me strong. Just thinking about ‘those nights’ really does make me feel blessed.

I wanted to take this opportunity to write about some seen as I no longer keep a written journal/diary for numerous reasons.

My first memory will be one of my most recent. Trampoline-ing at 3am in the pouring down rain. Given that I was slightly drunk, I’ve never really experienced something like it. I was with the people I’ve only met once before - That in it’s self is enough to make me smile ; that people I had never met before would talk to me and make me feel involved and comfortable…and I could then hang out with the same people again and feel as though we've gone back years. (I don’t know, I don’t make friends often so everything excites me I guess.) But the night grew later and I was feeling like a little social butterfly as I fluttered between crowd to crowd and talked about life. It got until 3am where I found myself out side in the middle of a thunderstorm with a cigarette, looking up into the sky and getting truly drenched. That was lovely. I was gathering my thoughts and sobering up to the sound of raindrops hitting the glass table top – bliss. But out came a guy that I get on incredibly well with, let’s call him ‘Dylan’. ‘Dylan’ grabbed me by the hand and pulled me across the wet lawn (I wasn’t wearing shoes mind, so my socks clung to my feet like mad) and up onto the trampoline. And we bounced. I don’t know how long for, it felt like forever, but it also felt like it was over too soon. But, hand in hand, we bounced. And bounded. And bounced. We laughed like hell and got soaked through under the early morning rain clouds. Right then is when I could say I felt truly happy. There’s something just so exhilarating about being out in the rain. We fell at one point and just laid there, flat on hour backs, laughing like we had lost all sanity as the rain began to fall on our faces. Yea, I like that memory.

My second will be another late night story with, let’s call him ‘Zack’. We ate curry with my family and sat and talked until it was time for him to get the last bus to the next town along. Long story short, we missed it. Lucky enough, my mother actually likes ‘Zack’ so offered him our spare room for the night. Though instead of going to bed, we stayed up in my downstairs living room with the TV on, talking until 5am. I got excited cause I found that I actually had SkyDisney so all I remember is being sat side by side, completely engrossed in Cinderella. How cute. After that, I fell asleep on his shoulder, and he was too much of a gentleman to wake me up or shove me away. But when I did wake, it was to The Descent where we sat and laughed and made ridiculous running commentaries. The best thing about that night was staying up and talking about anything, everything until the early hours - Just being completely comfortable in someone else’s company.

 A third will be something that’s hard to explain why it was so brilliant. It’s nothing out of the ordinary but it meant the world to me anyway. My parents recently went away for two weeks and left the house and cats for me to look after. I absolutely hate being alone. I don’t know what it is but it just makes me panic-ey and emotional. And my wonderful friend knows this all too well. I love him to bits – let’s call him Alex. He came over numerous days and cooked for me after work…chicken…brisket…you name it. Such a good little cook he is. But some nights, practically for a whole week I think, he stopped over and just kept me company. Being a couple of introverts, it was up our street to sit in with a Chinese, watch films and do nothing all night. One night we sat up and made Cookie Dough Pizza while we watched the amazing Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act. I couldn’t ask for anything better. I will cherish my lazy nights with him for always.

Writing these stories has really brought to light the amazing people in my life. I could never thank my friends enough for being there when I need them. I always make myself think that I have to stand by myself and go through things alone, but when I think back on all my amazing memories and past experiences, it’s really not the case. I’m so blessed and so thankful that I’ve met the people I have and have experienced all these events to date. It’s nights like this that make me take a step back and slap myself for being so closed minded about my problems and issues, because I know I’ve got it a lot better than some people. So if anyone I know does actually read this, I just want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart and that I cherish you beyond belief. 

Life Is Short

It appears that everything always comes together. Once I hear one thing, then I keep hearing it. Just like when I got my job in the Innovation Team, I kept hearing the word innovation constantly – that example is quite similar to the topic I chose to write about.

                Just recently it’s really coming to light that life really is short. It’s been a year and a half since I left education, a year into my full time job and less than a month until I’m 18. This is a big shock for me as every day seemed to drag and time would move so slowly for me. I used to count down the time until I could get back into bed again and even that felt more like five days, not five hours. Now I complain more about there not being enough hours in the day and everything is passing me by so quickly. That in its self was enough to give me a kick up the arse to start making the most of the time I have on this earth.

                Though there was a few other things that made me change my mind set. I’m making the most of things, keeping myself happy and making sure the things I do are for my own benefit, no one else’s. And these changes were made from the words of a few people. First of being my mum. She’s in the south of France currently, and if you knew her well enough then you’d know that this isn’t out of the ordinary. I make a joke to her that England is more like a holiday seen as she’s never in her home country. She enjoys her holidays and so she should with the stressful job that she has. When she told me she was leaving for two weeks, we got into conversation and one thing she said stuck with me most

                ‘You don’t live long and you only live once, it’s best to make the most of it because you’ll never know when your chances are up’

                Hearing this on a Tuesday morning at 8am set me going through the whole day.  What IF I was to be put on my deathbed tomorrow, would I be happy to have the ‘life flashing before my eyes’ moment? Would I be happy with what I saw? And it got me thinking, I have spent a lot of my time doing things that I thought other people wanted me to do or doing things purposely to make other people smile. It’s all well and good wanting to do the right thing for others, but I then realised how little time I actually spent putting myself first and doing things that made me happy. That had to change.

                The next person that spoke within the same week (two days later in fact) on the same subject was one of the Board of Directors to the company I work for. We’ve just taken on a group of 17 apprentices and they had a one to one session with this guy to ask him questions, learn about the company and to learn how he had climbed the ranks as he started in the same position as the apprentices all those years ago. The last question that someone asked was

‘Would you change anything?’

And I have to tell you that his response was the most inspiring thing I’ve heard in those four walls.

                ‘Well son, there’s three parts to that answer. The first, I’m a man of no regrets. I don’t believe in them. Everything I’ve done has made me the man I am and got me here today. The second, if I HAD to change anything it would be to make more time for the things I loved. I wanted to be a pilot…and it took me until a few years ago to finally put my foot forward and take lessons and now I can fly solo. I wish I would have done that sooner, but I still ended up doing it anyway. And the last, I’ve only ever done the things that made me happy. Life is too short to be miserable, and that’s where your regrets come from – being miserable. The best advice I can give you, if anything, is to make sure you’re happy. If you’re happy then you’ve succeeded’.

Comic-con!

Seen as I’ve been a little bit slack on the posting front just lately, I thought I’d ease my way back in with something that’s a tad bit more visual (I TOOK LOTS OF PHOTOSSSSS). On Saturday the 20^th , I went to MCM Expo - Manchester Comic-con.  So yea, that means picture, upon picture, upon picture. I’ll have a wonder through my favourites and post them up here.

                This would be a good opportunity to do ‘a day in the life of’ so here’s how my day went. It started off with a 4:30am start in a friend’s apartment in Leeds  - I was stupid enough to go out the night before, forget my key, miss my train and have to end up sleeping over. Clever Carys! In order to get home in time to get showered, grab my stuff and get in my cosplay…I’d have to reach home by seven, latest. I didn’t fancy showering where I was seen as sleeping beauty (aka: friend) hadn’t been sleeping well so I didn’t want to keep him up longer than I had to.

                The journey to the train station was an interesting one. It’s a 10-15 minute walk away from the apartment building so I set off in good time to have a nice leisurely wonder through the cool early morning (it’s been roasting in England just lately, so the cool morning was much appreciated). On my way I met a few people, obviously still up from the night before with the girls in short dresses and the guys all suited and booted. I remember one set of people carrying a large bakers tray and offering me fresh bread… and another dancing in the street just outside the train station, insisting on high fiving every person that walked past. Only in Leeds, eh?

                The train ride home was un-eventful other than meeting a guy, who I think said his name was Callum from Pudsey, who gave me a red fabric flower and talked to me about tattoos all the way home. What a nice guy. I hopped in a taxi once reaching the train station and got home, only to be locked out for a further hour. I expected someone to be up and about for work at 7 but no such luck. So I sat on the doorstep, staring at my open bedroom window and fantasised about how nice it would be to be able to scale the side of buildings, or be agile enough to climb the drainpipe that was a meter or so away from my room. After contemplation, I decided to take the leap and do something that I knew would only infuriate my mother...I rang the house phone *dramatic music*

                After a passing the thunderous expression of my tired mother, I got a quick shower, gathered my stuff and shoved on my onsie – it was far too late to get my cosplay sorted out now, I’ll get ready with Axis (who I was going to comicon with). Bless the guy, he had straighteners and a mirror all set out for me, ready for me to do a quick change and sort out my make-up. And after the dash to get us both somewhat ready, off back to the trainstation where I had been a few hours earlier, to get the train to Manchester.

                Arriving at the Comic-con location was unreal. I remember sitting in Starbucks as we waited for Chibbi to get her joker cosplay together and just having all my childhood hero’s wonder in and grab a latte. First came The Doctor – doctor who, then in came Cloud  -  FFVii and past the window were ridiculous amounts of games characters that I used to play as from the ages of  5 – 17. It was fantastic! I basically spent the whole day pointing and squeaking excitedly every now and again. That’s enough writing I think, the rest of my day included a two hour queuing session to get into the hall, jumping on well-made cosplayers, and  snapping away with my camera.

What do you want to be when you grow up ?

My idea of updating my blog twice a week has definitely been defeated before it had even begun. I have the crappiest luck in the world when it comes to technology and, after having it exactly a month, my new laptop is in for repair. Don’t ask, seriously. But better late than never, I fancied writing about young people and their future.

                From a very young age, we’re expected to know what we want to do, how we’re going to get there and have a plan in place. What?! I really don’t see how you would be anywhere near knowing what you want out of life under the age of twenty…but in the professional world this, apparently, makes logical sense.

                Probably from the age of about four, there’s a common theme that starts to occur and you’re asked somewhat frequently ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’. Being the little hopeful and naïve four year old that I was, I would respond ‘the angel on top of the Christmas tree’. Cute, eh? Unrealistic in all senses – I obviously didn’t think about the technicalities of it only being a part time job, includes a strenuous balancing act on the top of a tree 24/7 for a few days, what must four year old me have been thinking to have considered such a crappy job?! I can tell you, she was thinking like a four year old.  At that age I had no aspirations for a professional career, and in fact…I didn’t have any aspirations for what I wanted to be up until about the age of 14-ish.

                At the age of 14, I had to choose my options for what subjects to take in school. When this was happening, teachers were constantly trying to shove in the front of my mind that the subjects  I was choosing as a 14 year old will affect my choice of career FOR LIFE. No. I totally took that idea and threw it out of the window. I chose a music diploma because I could play guitar and piano so thought it would be easy…and triple science because I liked blowing things up. So unless they were convinced I was going to be a musical bomb maker…it’s fair to say I didn’t have a career in mind when I chose those.

                At one point, though, I was dead set that I wanted to become a child psychologist and was very focused on that. I picked up psychology text books to read in my spare time, looked at psychology and sociology courses all through Yorkshire to get an idea of where I would go when I left school and was convinced that this was my path – my calling. Well…until I ended up being a Project Manager in a team focused on Innovation for my local water company. Things change, nothing is set in stone.

                I don’t know what I want to do now. Honest to god, I do not think I will be an Innovative Project Manager for the rest of my life…I’m looking into occupational health, Human Resources…still a little in psychology. I have a job and am working on a degree and I can openly say that I STILL don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And that’s why the school system REALLY peeves me off. The amount of young people I see stressing about their future because they haven’t figured it out yet is ridiculous. Just because at the tender young age of 15, you don’t know where you’re going to be in 20 years…doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. Trust me. Just because you haven’t decided yet does not mean the world will stop spinning. Take your time, figure it out and take the chances that come your way – and when you’ve done that…you may well change your mind on what you want to do and start all over. AND THAT’S ABSELUTELY FINE. We have choice for a reason.

       A video that probably explains my thoughts on the subject a lot better than what I’ve just written is from a YouTuber named Emma Blackery. She’s brilliant, been following her for a while and she just seems to sum up everything I’m thinking into actual words. So check her video out on her thoughts on the same kind of subject : 

(keep tuned to her ‘feel good 101’ videos! They’re fab)

 

Here I Am

I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that for a lot of teens out there, your teenage years feel like the loneliest years of your life. I’m saying this from personal experience as well as from reading what a lot of you have to say through the e-mails you send me, Tumblr posts and Facebook statuses. There’s so many reasons why we feel so alone at such a young age…we don’t feel understood; we’re having a hard time and don’t feel like there’s anyone to turn to; constantly stuck in the ‘in-between’ category where you’re old enough that you should be able to look after yourself, yet too young to have actual responsibility…yea, that’s the worst.

                The in-between stage is the worst. I feel pretty stuck in it right now. I’m old enough to have a job, earn my own money, pay for what I need…yet on the other hand I have to be watched when my parents go on holiday, all my actions are questioned and the best one…I have to have a separate risk assessment done for me to take account for my ‘immaturity’ – oh dear lord.  

                So being young and having a job feels like one heck of a lonely place to be. All my colleagues are amazing but a lot older than me. I can’t exactly go for a pint with them after work – especially seen as I had to sign a contract saying I wouldn’t drink alcohol in the presence of work related situations until I’m 18. Plus it’s hard to be the young minded teen I should be when I have a lot of responsibilities to deal with. So that means I don’t get a lot of time to hang around people my own age – I’m either at work when they’re free or they’re at college/sixth form when I’m free. Makes things a little difficult.

                Because of the being busy situation, I don’t really talk to a lot of young people apart from texts and online – which is great. But it would be nice to be able to just call someone up and go out for the night or something. I’m starting to balance my time better now though. It’s taken a while to create a work-to-social balance, so now I’m making time for friends and keeping in touch.

                So back onto the real theme of this post, I always end up complaining about something or other. Aaaaanyway. What I’m meaning to say is that it’s hard to feel alone, and it’s awful when all you want is to do is talk to someone. So I’m wanting to stretch out a hand. Anyone out there, anyone at all…if you’re having a tough time, wanting advice, or just someone to have a chat with….please feel free to contact me. I have my facebook, tumblr and twitter on here…comment me, message me and if you’re in England you can even text me (you’ll have to get in contact with me for my number). It’s nice to have that one person to turn to, even if it’s just to have someone to rant at to get things off your chest. – Here I am if you need me pumpkins. This is my open invitation for anyone to message me with anything they like and I will listen openly for as long as you need.

                It really does make a difference to know that someone has your back. While I’m writing this, I’m thinking of a few people in particular. You’ll know who you are if you’re reading this. There’s two people especially. One I can be a complete twat to and the worst person in the world to when I’m in a foul mood, but he goes through it with me. He’s been through a lot of my shit and he’s still wanting to be nice to me, so thanks Puggle-pop. The other is also just amazing, love this guy – I’ll talk to him after not talking for months and he still does his best to make me smile and I know full well I can count on him. The amount of time’s he’s offered to step in to certain situations that I’ve struggled with is amazing, thanks! So this is a huge thank you for those of you that have stuck by me and been there when I felt alone. LOVE YOU ALL!

Regrets?

If there was a re-do button for situations in life, would you chose to do it? I don’t know, it’s something I wonder about. ‘if I had done that…what would have happened’. I realise that focusing on the ‘if’s’ is a very harmful thing to do – it stops you from moving forward if you’re too concerned about what could have been. But sometimes it’s nice to dream, right.

at prom - me on the right

         One thing I would change if I could would have been Prom. It’s a lot bigger in the USA than it is over here but gosh, did my year get excited about it. Well everyone apart from me. I didn’t even think I was going to go in the first place, but after a lot of conversations with friends…I finally gave in. I didn’t bother buying a dress, or getting my hair and make-up done professionally or anything along those lines. I just pulled out a dress I wore at a wedding earlier that year, used the same make-up I always did and turned up. Everyone looked amazing and you could see all the effort that had gone into how they looked, but it really just wasn’t my thing. I didn’t get professional pictures taken like most, I didn’t eat anything and I didn’t stay all that long either. I wasn’t a moody-bum all evening, I had a smile on my face and a talked and danced with friends – but left early, went to home to get in my PJ’s and ordered a take-away.  

          What I’m saying is, instead of not really caring about the whole charade, I’ve gotten to a point now where I wish I had chance to dress up and look like a princess and spend time with close friends. And the best time for that would be Prom. It makes me feel a little sad when I see the year bellow me uploaded pictures of their dresses that they’re going to wear and getting all excited. I had my time and I blew it. I guess I’ll just have to have a big fancy 18^th birthday bash to make up for it, right?!

even the smell of vodka makes me gip now

       Other things I’d change are the obvious – those nights where you’ve gotten completely blathered to the point you’ve either passed out and don’t remember anything or done something stupid as hell. I’ll tell you what, I can’t look at vodka the same any more – everyone has that one drink right? Let’s just say I thought I was bigger than I was, so drank straight vodka at an alarming rate, and ended up falling all over my kitchen – apparently while still trying to convince my mum I was sober. Safe to say I don’t remember much of that night. I regret drinking that much because god knows what would have happened to me. I could have been murdered or assaulted and I wouldn’t have been any wiser. One thing I am incredibly grateful for was my amazing friends who got me home in one piece and wouldn’t let anything happen to me – I still don’t think they realise how much that meant to me. One good thing that came out of it, though, is it’s genuinely put me off drinking for life. It’s three years on nearly, and I haven’t drank alcohol the same since – the thought of ending up like the last time haunts me so I definitely stick to my limits!

        Though saying all this, I’m now going to completely contradict myself. I’m a firm believer in that things happen for reasons. And things are meant to be how they happen. So everything that I’ve done wrong or done well have made me the way I am today. Who knows how different my situation would be if I had made different choices in life. I’m pretty content with the way things are and I don’t think I’d change that for the world.